Month: August 2013
It feels really odd as I sit here in some sort of limbo
Surrounded by many yet solitude fills me
So used to the emptiness in my space
Surrounded by too much
Wanting to push out these imaginary walls
Drowning in useless thoughts
Unbelievably, inexplicably fine with the chaos of nothingness
Yearning for that which I do not know
Wondering and hoping, one emotion useless and one needed,
These things of our life are the stories we create every day
Are these moments creating the best story of our lives?
Are my actions enough or my words sufficient?
Wondering, holding on to hope, of the future…
Co writing some lives and hoping its enough to be the best
Today was the 9th day of first grade for our son. He’s had a surprisingly hard time adjusting to this new school year. I understand it can be overwhelming for young ones however, i’m not quite sure that his daily tears are normal. He starts talking about not wanting to go to school hours before bedtime and then as soon as he opens his eyes in the mornings. I don’t see any other kids crying when they are dropped off. So I’m left wondering, what is going on? We’ve talked to the teacher prior to this, I’ve called the school counselor who has met with our son, and the only thing my little one says is that he misses us. Wow! We miss him too but not to the point that we are shedding daily tears 😦 . It hurts me to see him sad, to leave him in tears and it sets the mood for my days on the wrong foot.
He has also shared an incident which occurred during last school year that makes him nervous. And it’s all my fault. What did I do? In my okay parenting, I made a mistake and wrote the wrong thing in his school planner. This is a planner that the teachers refer to daily to see if the child is going to go home as a car rider that day, or if they are staying in the after school program. One day, I wrote down that he was a car rider incorrectly. What happened was that he waited until the last child was picked up and then no one was there for him. So a teacher, told him to go inside to the after school program and to wait for his parents. When I picked him up, he immediately told me what happened and I felt horrible. How could I have made such a careless mistake? In my daily rush after work, and after picking up my two children, its a rush to get home, feed the dogs, walk them, start dinner, get the kids in the shower/bath, do homework, write in my son’s planner, fit in a gazillion other daily chores and then get them ready for bed, I goofed. I’m human and sometimes I do Okay Parenting and its been a struggle not be down on myself about this.
How can I get my child to understand that this was a mistake that I will not let happen again? I think we are okay because he hasn’t mentioned this incident in the past few days, he is still stuck on his idea of missing us. In trying to calm his anxiety, I’ve gone from calm and collected, understanding and full of patience to screaming banshee trying to make him strong but n o t h i n g has worked thus far. Today we had a teacher conference and he seemed perfectly fine with the teacher, smiling and looking comfortable so that was re assuring to us. I asked if he was making friends and she said he seemed fine. It’s still early on so we have hope that he will soon be more relaxed about this necessary part of life. We tell him about the importance of education and that mommy will be taken to jail if he doesn’t go to school, lets see if this sinks in 🙂 Man i’m telling you we are trying everything. Today Daddy took away his Nintendo DS and told him he will not get it back until he stops crying every day. I am praying that on the tenth day, tomorrow there will finally be, no more tears.
There’s this woman that many times gets on my nerves. She’s self righteous and can be slightly annoying. She’s super critical and never bites her tongue. This bothers me since most of the time, it is I on the receiving end of her judgmental cold words. She doesn’t sugarcoat and she doesn’t soften the blow with her sharp verbal jabs. We are so different and I’m not sure why. I pride myself with the fact that I do not pass judgement on people’s choices (when it doesn’t affect me, that is). To each his own, I think. However, this same woman holds a strong confident aura about herself. Her words are so sure, despite the right or wrong, she exudes a strength I sometimes envy. What it must be like to be so fearless and sure that what is, IS? I don’t always understand her, but knowing that I envy her a little, actually makes me proud to call her mom, because who doesn’t want to ooze fearlessness? Despite the many times I feel she needs to bring it down a notch, it leaves me in awe when this same passion she uses to express her simple opinions show me the true strength of faith and experience.
Luther Vandross, Kem and Anthony Hamilton playing in the background as I sit at my computer, trying to come up with a subject to write about. Coming into my space this evening, on a low note, all of a sudden feeling real good. Vibing and jamming to that old school R & B. All of a sudden a new song comes on with some jazz music in the background. I only catch the artist name, not the song’s name, Andre Ward. Sounds so smooth. I forgot what I wanted to gripe about. I feel happier than I did, that I know. I love iHeart radio. I’m in Florida but I can listen to the incredible R&B stations in New Orleans and Chicago. Uh oh, Groove Theory now, go head Amel Larrieux… “You are wondering if the words I’m saying are for real…. ”
I can always count on my music to get me to a good place. Back in time or in a fantasy world, but more importantly, it grounds me. It surrounds me with familiarity in a day where it feels so lonely.
I’ve tired my friends out with my re-hashing of thoughts. Mulling things over for eternity. Unable to decide and without the means to make something happen. I don’t know why I am this way, but I sure wish I could change this about myself. I can be so un-decisive that by the time I come up with an acceptable solution or conclusion, my time has wasted. How can I change this about myself? The Pros and Cons list doesn’t always help, its more about following your heart. Its not always about YOU, the self, sometimes its okay TO DO things for others. Your heart helps you feel if it is right or wrong. And right can be full of gray, not just black or white.