In the middle of trying to decide on a permanent URL name for my blog, I find myself trying to identify myself even further. This blog started with a story I wrote in a writing class because I want to eventually write a book. Ever since I was a little girl in elementary school, I enjoyed writing. Reading and getting lost in books was a piece of heaven for me. Then learning I could do this, what a light bulb moment. But in this year of blogging, I’ve realized I’ve stopped thinking much about my dream of writing a book and that made me sad. Follow your passion they say, do what you love they say, your good at it they say. I can say that writing here and now contributing articles to Beinglatino.us are actually baby steps towards this dream of mine. Practice makes best right? I just need to start putting a little more effort into researching how to get my first book out and I need to do it soon. I am resourceful and I can do this!
Our Universe is insanely huge and we are but a tiny speck. I stepped outside into the dark night to walk my dog. I happened to glance up at the black sky and caught myself being mesmerized by the bright far away stars. Twinkling, glowing, tiny little planets that look like little dots to us. We are the same to them, tiny dots. People, tiny specks floating around, a trillion of us moving along the roads of the world. Stumbling on the blocks placed before us… To ourselves this is Our World, so much meaning to one person, so many different issues we go through but yet so minimal in this massive place. How do we find understanding here? How do we matter? How do we stay sane? By reminding ourselves that we are but tiny specks. When I am sitting all alone in my living room with no one to talk to and the kids are asleep, the hubby is at work…. do I still Matter? When I want to have a good cry and purge myself of negativity, does that matter? Maybe, maybe not.
I suspect that life, our lives, are important because of the relationships we cultivate, the way we feel about ourselves and the good things we put out there. Do unto others and yada yada yada, I truly believe that. It’s difficult when you do not have your inner circle near you or always available to hear your stupid little thoughts. It is hard to create new friendships as adults with people who will see things your way. Why is it so hard? Because as adults we have different walls than we do as young ones. Our walls are taller and thicker. And it’s hard to get to a tiny speck hidden by tall thick walls.
I have an amazing inner circle, an amazing group of friends, the only problem is that they are all mostly 3000 miles away. But at least I can reach those specks by train, plane and automobile, I don’t have to fly a rocket ship. And when I remind myself, stop and ground myself, and remind myself that every single thing I do does matter, I grow. Goodbye tiny speck, time to evolve.
My soul aches and yearns for this pen and paper
My life gives no time to my dream, its like vapor
To express and to vent in written form
To let go and release my emotions and mourn
To write happy, write sad, write if i’m mad
So that years later I look back and feel glad
I have all my history written down for me to see
Not to have to solve a mystery of what I went thru or how I should be
No question as to why I am the way I am
No wondering as to why I do the things I do
To learn from my past and remind my future self
Of all the wealth my life has shown
My mind has grown
So I can progress and never digress
Though I may feel slightly restless
My words will never be at rest
Because I ache for this pen and paper
Though I have no time to write my rhymes
This is in me
And now its inked on paper
A. Janeth Paez
*This was handwritten on 11/10/2010*